


forgive us this fragile frame of mind

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, And is reassigned to the 212th, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brothers, CT-7567 | Rex Needs a Hug, Cody is a Good Bro, Dogma has been reconditioned, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everything Hurts, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Intervention, Post-Episode: s04e07 Darkness on Umbara, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reconditioning, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:55:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25610191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Rex, Dogma is dead. Just because that vod has his body doesn’t mean I'm going to stop saying his name in my remembrances."OR:[ Rex sees a shiny with the face of a ghost aboard the Negotiator and copes with it the best way he knows how. That is: not well.]
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody & CT-7567 | Rex, CT-27-5555 | Fives | ARC-5555 & CT-7567 | Rex, CT-6116 | Kix & CT-7567 | Rex, CT-7567 | Rex & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 51
Kudos: 167





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A very long time ago in a Tumblr very far away someone requested to see 'how the Jedi would react to learning about the practice of reconditioning and decommissioning'. This is almost certainly not what they had in mind. 
> 
> Please mind the tags. 
> 
> _We're given these moments,  
>  We're given this time,  
> And we do what we must just,  
> Just to get by,  
> Just to stay high and dry  
> And as sure as these blue skies they're gonna turn gray.  
> You've given your angels all of your days  
> Oh but you can't stay_
> 
> _Rain by Jon Heinz_

Cody found him tucked into the corner of a rec deck in that part of the cycle where night is also morning. He was pale, even in the low light provided by the stars slipping by the windows at sublight. He had a caf mug in his hand, but Cody could smell the sharp tang of contraband moonshine in the air.

He watched Rex’s hands shake as he brought the mug to his lips.

Cody slid down the wall beside him, resting his arms on his knees and stared out at the stars and space between them.

“Have you slept at all, vod?” Cody knew he hadn’t. They shared a room when stationed together. Rex never came back from the briefing they’d had the night before.

Rex just grunted and took another sip.

Cody spied a canteen on his other side with a hand painted red cap. The kind Cody pretended not to see being passed around a fire during a long campaign or tucked under pillows in the barracks.

“You gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

Rex kicked his feet out to cross at the ankles and didn’t respond.

Cody knocked his vambrace against the mug earning himself a half a glance.

“Thought you said you were giving this shit up.”

Rex sighed. “Apparently not.”

No one would ever accuse the clones of having good coping skills. The Quartermasters had a standing order for sparring dummies and heavy bags and every vod knew how to triage a broken hand or nose. Medic’s orders for Stims went up every cycle and they passed out sleeping pills like candy.

And there wasn’t a Commander in the GAR who knew about their troop’s illegal stills in the bowels of their ship.

Instead of scolding him, Cody slipped the mug out of Rex’s hand and brought it to his lips. He sputtered as the familiar burn melted a hole in his throat and passed it back, earning a small chuckle from his younger brother.

When they were cadets Rex was just as likely to give vent to his emotions through his fists as his words, es. And before he was promoted Cody had lost count of the number of time’s he’d helped him to the refresher, too concussed to move on his own, blood and dirt staining his civvies.

Still. Cody had never really worried Rex would kill himself, even by accident. His brother had spent a long time learning where the line between _far enough_ and _too far_ lay and he was an expert at toeing it.

It wasn’t until Rex became a Captain that he started to worry.

When ‘Officer’s Decorum’ started to require his ori’vod to internalize that which he used to expel. When Cody started noticing abandoned red caps under his bunk that the mouse droids missed.

Rex would never, _never_ risk a man’s life.

Unless that life was his own.

Cody let his head thump against the bulkhead behind him.

“Why are you doing this?”

He’d meant it as rhetorical. He hadn’t thought Rex would answer. So he was surprised when he felt a weight against his shoulder and turned to find Rex slumped against him.

“I saw him.”

Cody briefly reviewed their interactions the previous day. He didn’t remember talking to anyone new. “Who?”

“They wiped him clean,” Rex continued as if he hadn’t spoken, “even his tattoos are gone. But it’s him. I know it is.”

Cody gave his shoulder a little jog, bouncing Rex’s head. He sat up but still didn’t look at him.

“Who are you talking about? Who did you see?”

“Skywalker said he reminded him of me. On Umbara. Said he was like how I used to be.” Rex’s voice was rough and Cody winced when he took another swallow from his mug. “He was right.”

“Umbara?” He whispered. It felt wrong to say it out loud. It had been adopted almost like a curse, an anathema sworn under the breath in the heat of the moment. Even now, months later, the hellscape that had been Umbara robbed men of their sleep the way it had robbed them of their vode. Rex hadn’t spoken of it since that first night. But, Cody realized, that was about the time the red caps started showing up in his room again.

“He loved regs. Made him feel secure, like he knew what was expected. People are messy. War is messy. Regs make things make sense.” Rex stalled the tightness in his throat with another sip from his mug and stared down into it. “We really were the same. He may have ordered them to fire, but I'm the one that put together the execution squad. He marched in line, but I led them to the the killing grounds. Experience counts for something though,” Rex chuckled, a dark, razor edged thing and hurt Cody’s ears. “I did catch on to what Krell was doing. Took the men to arrest him. He grabbed a blaster and tried to stop us. He was just trying to do his duty.”

Cody opened his mouth but nothing came out. He clenched his fists in his lap, his stomach full of lead.

“But you know the funny thing? In the end. When it mattered. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pull the trigger. But he did.” Rex tipped his head back and finished off his drink. “Guess that makes him the better of the two of us.”

Cody licked his lips and swallowed to be sure his voice would work this time.

“Dogma? You think you saw Dogma?”

Rex snapped to face him for the first time, and Cody saw how red his eyes were, how deep the lines had gotten around his mouth.

“It was him. I _know_ it was him.”

Cody shook his head. “How?”

“I just do!”

Cody startled at the sudden shout and Rex’s eyes widened, turning instead to his canteen, upending it to empty the last of the alcohol into his mug. Cody pursed his lips and reached for it.

“I think you’ve had enough.”

“Don’t tell me when I’ve had enough.” Rex jerked away, spilling some on his armor and the floor. “I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you, vod?” Cody hissed, “Are you sure? Because you were so spaced in that briefing you might as well not have been there. Even Skywalker noticed. My general notices everything, but Skywalker? And now you’re drunk off your ass, wallowing in a corner and for what? Because you think you saw a dead man?”

Rex _lunged_ at him.

“He wasn’t just a man!" Rex croaked, desperate and choking, the acrid tang of spilled alcohol filling the air and soaking their bottom blacks. "He was a soldier. He was _my_ soldier. My _vod’ika_. And he took the shot that should have been mine. And now they’ve reconditioned him. They wiped him clean like a droid. Took everything from him and it should have been me, Cody! _It should have been me!_ ”

Cody didn’t think Rex even realized he’d moved, his eyes were glassy and distant even as he shouted, gripping both of the shoulder straps on Cody’s chest plate. He’d gone sprawling to his back and Rex was laying over him, the tension draining out of his body as quickly as it had filled him and Cody was left with no choice but to grip him back as he started to shake apart in his arms.

“It should have been me,” he said again in a broken whisper, as if he’d used the last dregs of his energy in a violent attempt to make Cody just _understand_.

“Shh, shh, vod. You’re alright.” Cody soothed, feeling emotional whiplash as he attempted to comfort the man. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms tighter. “I’ve got you, Rex. I’ve got you. It’s gonna be alright.”

* * *

When Cody put Rex into bed later, passed out from drink and exhaustion, he was drawn back into those memories of when they were shinies. Even without black eyes and split lips, Rex somehow looked worse now than he did then.

The years, the war, had not been kind to his little brother and every hard won battle or lost trooper was written in the lines of his face.

Cody gently brushed his hand into Rex’s hair, smoothing out worried lines in his forehead with his thumb and whispered in Mando’a until he felt Rex finish relaxing fully. He slowly curled up beside him, one hand resting on his chest to make sure he didn’t stop breathing. Cody didn’t think he would, he wasn’t _that_ drunk. But still…

And it wasn’t like he’d be getting back to sleep anyway.

Cody got up before the sound of his chronoalarm a few hours later to get ready for his duty shift. When he emerged from the Fresher Rex was sitting on his bunk, elbows on his knees and head in his hands.

“Hung over vod?” He asked, keeping his voice light and teasing.

Rex raised his head. He looked like death twice baked in the Tatooine suns. Cody’s stomach sank to see the haunted look from the night before hadn’t left his eyes.

“Do you believe me?”

Cody sighed. “Rex…you’ve been under a lot of stress lately, between Umbara and Kadavo, and I just think-“

Rex stood and bumped his shoulder as he passed him and locked himself in the fresher without another word.

Cody tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling. Better to give him his space, a little time to get his head on straight.

In fresh blacks and cleaned armor, Cody sat at his desk and decided to get a head start on paperwork while he waited. It was a half an hour before Rex emerged.

He came to stand in front of his desk, stiff, nearly at Attention, but with insubordinate steel in his eyes.

“I need you to listen to me Cody. I’m not crazy. I know what I saw. Who I saw.”

Cody took a deep breath and set aside his tablet, studying the pockmarks in the durasteel surface of his worktop.

“Do you believe me?”

There had always been stories. Of vode that were sent away and wiped clean, disappeared from barracks and battlefields, Reconditioned and returned with no knowledge of who they used to be, with new numbers and no names.

But they were just stories. Told in darkened dorms, whispered between cadets who couldn't think of anything more frightening. 

Cody wasn't ready to believe they were anything more than that.

He licked his lips, answering carefully. “I believe you believe it.”

It was training and willpower that kept Cody from flinching when Rex slammed his fist down on his desk. He forced himself to look up slowly, unperturbed at the temper tantrum.

“Stand down, Captain.” Cody warned.

Rex glared at him for a couple seconds more, grinding his teeth. Cody raised an eyebrow and Rex straightened, clasping his hands behind his back.

“Sir.” He growled.

Cody forced another deep breath and rubbed his hands down his face.

“How do you know?”

“I just know.”

“Dammit Rex.”

“I know, okay Cody? I _know_ it’s him. It’s Dogma.”

Cody stood up and rounded the desk, grabbing Rex by the shoulders. “Even if you’re right, Rex, what does it matter? If it’s true, if they’ve already done it then it’s too late, why are you torturing yourself like this?”

Rex twisted away from him and turned to face the wall. Cody took another deep breath, relaxing his shoulders and stretching his neck.

“I want you stop the drinking Rex. For real this time. It’s not helping you.”

“It doesn’t effect my work.” Rex grumbled back, predictably. He folded his arms over his chest, tight and defensive. “It’s just to take the edge off.”

“I know what it’s for. But it’s getting worse. And this whole thing with...” Cody waved vaguely. “I’ve got a bad feeling. It’s already messing with your head. You don’t need to add fuel to that fire.”

Rex whirled around. “What I do on my down time is my business. If you don’t like it, you don’t need to be there. I’ll sleep in the barracks tonight.” Rex snapped around and stalked to the door, Cody’s voice halting him just as the doors opened.

“See that it doesn’t effect your command, Rex. If it does, I _will_ take are of it.” He said, voice low and stern, the tone of it forcing Rex’s shoulders to straighten in spite of himself. “The men’s safety comes first. You know that.”

Slowly Rex turned his head just enough to catch Cody’s eyes.

“What do you think it is that drives me to drink in the first place, vod?”

Cody waited until the doors closed between them to slump onto the bunk, head in his hands. He hoped doing his duty as a commander wouldn’t get in the way of his duty as a brother.

* * *

Rex’s hands shook, but he made himself go to the Mess without detouring to his room to refill the flask in his belt that no one asked about.

He grabbed a tray of food and settled down at the empty end of one of the tables toward the back of the room. Normally, that would have been enough of a signal to earn him a morning of solitude. Unfortunately, Fives was also aboard the _Negotiator_ for the trip back to the 501st's flagship. And Fives was rarely one to take a hint.

“Morning Captain!” The man himself said brightly, dropping his tray across from Rex. Behind with the ARC, three shinies followed.

“Fives.” Rex dipped his chin, pushing aside his barely touched breakfast in favor of his mug of caf. "You brought friends."

"Yup, they wear the wrong color on their armor but they’re alright otherwise. This is Ty, Flashbang and CT.”

Rex looked at the last man. "CT?"

"Yeah, he refused to take a name so we started calling him CT. He couldn’t complain because it is part of his real designation." Ty grinned, bumping his shoulder guard against the other man's own. 

"Names are against regs." CT muttered, frowning at his brother.

Rex seemed more amused by that than the situation warranted.

"You all batchers?"

"Me and Ty are." Flashbang nodded across the table at the younger men and dropped down next to Rex.

"Yup. Completed the final course in record time, they say."

"Thats what you two say." CT corrected.

"Well theres no one here to contradict it is there, CT?"

"What about you?" Rex asked, eyes boring into CT with intensity that made Fives' eyebrows twitched. "You their batch?"

"Nah, CT got transferred to our unit just a few months ago." Flashbang answered, stirring his breakfast with his fork until it was a homogenized, unappetizing, brown.

"Really? Where were you before that?" Rex swallowed hard, telling himself that all vode sounded mostly the same and the acute familiarity he felt hearing CT speak was just in his head. Under the pretense of maintaining casual breakfast conversation he started to lift his mug to his lips, but the liquid sloshed over the edge from the way he was shaking and he had to set it back down quickly. Rex carefully avoided looking in Fives' direction, keeping his eyes trained on the man sitting diagonal from himself. The shinies were unlikely to notice that which the veteran ARC would never miss, avoiding eye contact was his only hope.

"I dont know sir." CT was cutting his portion cubes into manageable sizes and didn't look up.

"CT was in some kind of training accident, he doesn’t remember anything before his transfer. We figure whatever it was, must have killed the rest of his unit too." Ty said solemnly, then smiled quickly. "So we get to keep him."

CT frowned, looking as if he'd lost something. Rex's chest ached and his mouth went dry.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said, impressed with himself for his voice being as strong and steady as it was. Though perhaps not as much as he thought, when he caught sight of Fives' searching laser locked in his direction. 

“I’m headed to the gym, you kids up for a spar? Before these 212th boys let you go soft I’ll show you how the 501st gets it done.”

Flashbang’s smile was fierce and full of teeth.

“You’re on sir.” Ty said, with all the confidence of a kid who'd only known war on a simulated battlefield. 

CT all but saluted.

Rex told them to finish up, there was no rush, and left the mess before the tightness in his throat could get the better of him.

* * *

Rex did stop off at his quarters this time, taking a quick mouthful off his flask, topping it off before replacing the cap and shoving it back in his belt. He took a deep breath and felt the dull ache in his chest he’d been learning to live with shift until it was just a background throb.

“Pretty early in the day for that, Captain.”

Rex did not jump. But he did turn slowly, deliberately, to face the voice, and found Fives leaning casually against the opened door to his room. How the sound of the door opening, or failing to close, when he came in was a mystery he didn’t allow himself to dwell on.

“Don’t remember asking your opinion, Fives.”

Fives shrugged and kept lookin at him with that deceptively serene face from the Mess.

“Something I can do for you?”

“You seemed awfully interested in CT.”

Rex’s jaw clinched instinctively at the name and Fives’ eyes narrowed in such a way that he knew the ARC hadn’t missed the reaction.

"What is it, Cap?" 

Rex shook his head, moving to step around him. “Nothing.”

“It’s not nothing.” Fives moved to block his way and Rex glowered.

“I got no problem going through you, Fives.” He growled. He felt wrung out and exhausted (which made no sense because he’d actually _slept_ the night before and that was a miracle in and of itself) and he wasn’t quite sure he could resist making good on that threat.

Fives held up his hands in surrender, but took a step forward, instead of back, allowing the door to close behind him.

“Please,” He said quietly, serious and focused in that way that he pretended he couldn't be, but Rex had always seen. It was why he knew he’d make a good ARC trooper almost from the moment he met him. “Rex,” Fives pointedly used his name and not his rank and Rex felt his shoulders unhitch. “I want to help.”  
  
Rex stayed stiff and silent for a handful of moments that rolled into minutes before exhaling all at once and dropping onto the nearest bunk.

Fives didn’t move.

The room was darkened, Cody was in the habit of leaving his lights at 40% since he was only over there when he was asleep or nearly there. Fives' white armor caught and reflected what little light there was, while the grey and blue stripes of paint on his shell and Kama sunk into the shadows. He counted his breaths and didn’t move.

“CT is Dogma.” Rex was still staring at the floor under his boots when he heard a clattering thump and looked up to see Fives had sunk to the floor, staring wide eyed across the tiny space at him.

“Of course.”

Rex raised his eyebrows. “You believe me?”

Fives nodded. “I didn’t see it before but…you’re right. I know you are.”

Rex expected it to be a relief, to be believed, to share this burden of knowledge. He expected to feel his stomach settle and the twist in his chest that made it hard to breathe to unfurl. Especially since Cody’s doubt had stung so deeply earlier that day.

Instead he felt heavy, as if his limbs were in binders attached to the deck plating. His ears rang and his blacks were too tight and the air was too hot and _how? How had he let this happen?_

They sat in silence for a long time, neither quite able to move.

“Well…if anyone would be happy to have a factory reset it would be Dogma. Now he can be the perfect soldier like he always wanted.”

Rex looked up sharply, a reprimand on his tongue, because _no one_ wanted to be erased and Fives knew that.

He stopped.

Fives knew that.

Fives, who was sitting on the floor of his quarters making jokes in bad taste and wiping compulsively at his eyes, Fives knew Dogma hadn’t wanted to be reconditioned. He just couldn’t think of anything else to say.

After a second of staring at his lap, Rex watched him take a few deep breaths and then nod to himself and climb back to his feet.

"They'll be expecting us in the gym."

Rex blinked.

"Just like that?"

"What else is there?"

"What else- its _Dogma_ , Fives. He doesn’t remember who he is but we do. We have to...we have to.." Rex sputtered, waving his hands, hoping for inspiration.

"Have to what?" Fives shook his head and shrugged. "Dogma's gone. Theres only CT now."

No. Rex couldn’t accept that. He wouldn't.

"He's not gone. He's on this ship. He's here, Fives. I have to believe we can still reach him."

"And if we can't?" Fives was still looking at him with that unsettlingly serious look on his face. It reminded Rex of when they'd argued on Umbara. His fingers twitched toward his belt. "He _doesn’t_ _remember_ , vod. They took that from him. What good can come from making him question everything he thinks he knows about himself?"

Rex shook his head and bit his lip. "What about Tup? Don’t you think he’d like to know his ori’vod is...”

“Don’t. Don’t do that." Fives held up a single finger and pointed at the Captain, "Tup is just barely over losing Dogma and I know what that's like. Don’t you dare tear him apart by giving him false hope like that.”

“It’s not false hope, Fives! That is _Dogma_.” He insisted, pleading.

“Rex." Fives had his hands on his hips and dropped his gaze to the floor, shaking his head. "Rex, Dogma is dead. Just because that vod has his body doesn’t mean I'm going to stop saying his name in my remembrances."

Rex swore and stood, moving to shove past Fives. He wouldn’t _listen_. He didn't _understand_.

He was stopped by a hand on his arm.

"Forcing him to be the Dogma we knew is just as much a violation as what the _kaminii_ did in the first place." He released him and Rex met his eyes. "And it wont clear your conscience anymore than drinking until you can't see straight."

Maybe he did understand after all.

* * *

Rex and Fives had sparred with the shinies for a while, just long enough to impart some humility by putting them on their butts a few times. They were young though, if not inexperienced, and they gave as good as they got. Rex would have some bruises to show for his spar the next day (if he'd let his guard drop on purpose a few times against CT then that was his business and he really didn’t appreciate Fives glaring at him about it). Rex had bowed out before the failures became demoralizing for the kids and the spar had devolved into what was more closely related to structured wrestling.

Rex stood off to one side now, leaning against the wall and staring hard at CT, watching him perform moves that should have been new with a practiced ease his companions had not failed to notice.

CT just shrugged and told them if they paid more attention in training perhaps they would find it as easy as him, never realizing the moves were not as new to his muscles as they were to his brain.

That had been what gave him the idea. Despite Fives' protests, Rex couldn’t help feeling there must be _something_ they could do.

He wasn’t sure what yet, but he knew whatever it was he couldn’t do it alone. He would need the Jedi, but Rex knew he couldn’t count on the kind of quick support he had received from Fives from anyone else. Even Cody wasn’t sure he believed him. 

He had to find a way to prove it.

Rex jerked slightly, pulled out of his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder and turned to see his General grinning at him.

“You alright Rex? I don’t think I’ve ever been able to sneak up on you before.”

Rex straightened and cleared his throat. “Of course sir.”

Anakin kept staring at him, bending slightly to look him in the eye. “You sure? You seemed pretty out of it at our briefing yesterday.”

“Yes sir.” Rex nodded, tucking his hands behind his back.

“Alright.” Anakin shrugged and crossed his arms. “Well Cody said you wanted to see us? I assume you didn’t ask us here to spar?” He grinned again. “But if you did I’ll happily wipe the floor with you for a few minutes.”

Rex didn’t smile back at the friendly ribbing.

“No sir. I um,” His eyes flicked to Cody, standing beside his General a few paces behind Anakin, and then back. “I wanted to ask you something. You said, once, the reason the Jedi can tell us clones apart so easily is…something to do with the Force. Right?”

Anakin nodded, rocking back on his heels, passively scanning the men in the gym. “Yeah, sure. You’re all more or less identical on the outside but you’re each unique in the Force.”

“So you can recognize us. If you’ve felt us before.” Rex’s eyes went to Cody again, “even if it’s been a while?”

Anakin furrowed his brow slightly, glancing at Cody before he answered, wondering what it was his Captain kept looking at.

“I guess.”

“Is there something we should be looking for, Captain?” Obi Wan stepped forward, having sensed the tension coming the man. His expression remained serene, his hands tucked into the sleeves of his long robe.

Rex chewed the inside of his cheek but did not fidget under the dual gazes of the Jedi generals.

“Something familiar.”

“Alright." Obi wan nodded with a friendly smile, "Anyone in particular?”

Rex turned back toward the sparring mats. “You see that trooper on the far side of the mat? Sleeves rolled up to his shoulders, looks a little older than the rest?”

“Third from the left?”

“Yeah. That’s him.” Rex waited as the Jedi both turned. He felt a headache pushing against his temples, his shoulders tight and fists clenched at his sides, but forced himself to breathe evenly and keep his gaze moving around the room, never resting on any one person for too long.

Anakin sighed after only a few seconds, dropping his hands to his sides.

"I don’t sense anything unusual, Rex."

 _Of karking course._ Leave it to his general to be careless and impatient, even when his notoriously self-sufficient second was asking for something. He didn’t even take the moment to notice Rex had never done that before. 

Rex felt the weight of Cody's hand on his shoulder and was suddenly so, so grateful his ori'vod was there. He took a deep breath.

"Anakin," he said, carefully, deliberately, drawing blue eyes to him, eyebrows raised in surprise. "Please."

The young General took another deep breath and then turned back to stare across the gym again, lips pinched in concentration.

The moment he felt it his breath hitched and his eyes went wide, only to narrow them again a moment later, face gone tight and focused.

Suddenly, on the other side of the room CT stumbled and the brothers near him reached out to steady him, a question murmured between them.

He looked up, his eyes going straight to Skywalker and he shook off his vode's hands, marching over to the quartet of officers near the wall.

“Did you need me Sir?” He asked, with a salute, snapping to attention in front of the younger General. Skywalker opened his mouth to respond but Cody cut in.

“What’s your name, trooper?”

“CT-8365.” He glanced quickly at Rex, “Some of the men call me CT.”

Cody stood at ease, hoping the trooper wouldn’t pick up on the tension rolling off his two Jedi companions nor the way Rex was about to vibrate out of his armor. Cody tapped a code surreptitiously on his left gauntlet.

 _Stand down_.

The tension in the air didn’t ease, but he heard a long slow deep breath from Rex’s position and counted it close enough.

“How long have you been aboard?”

“Only half a ten-day, sir.” HIs brown eyes flickered to Skywalker and Cody guessed the young General was still doing whatever it was that had caught CT’s attention in the first place.

“Where were your previous postings?” Anakin asked, eyes still narrow and boring into the other man.

“This is my first post, sir.”

Skywalker started to speak again but this time Kenobi was the one to cut him off.

“Thank you, CT. You are dismissed.”

A snappy salute and the trooper was gone.

Skywalker whirled around to Rex. “How is this possible, _this isn’t possible!”_

Obi Wan placed a hand on Anakin’s shoulder, pulling him back out of the Captain’s personal space. The other man wasn’t looking well, pale and brittle in the Force so much so that Obi Wan had had to concentrate hard on keeping his focus on Anakin and the other trooper rather than the tightly wound Captain sinking into the background beside them.

“You felt it?” Rex said, eyes searching his general's face. His voice came out thin and quiet. “It’s Dogma isn’t it?”

Anakin was still shaking his head. “This is impossible.”

“We’ll meet you both in my quarters,” Obi Wan said to Cody, pulling Anakin away. “Take your time.”

“But Master-”

“Hush Anakin.”

Cody watched his General drag his former Padawan out of the gym before turning to his brother. One look at Rex, pale and shaking and looking vaguely ill, and Cody jammed a hand through his shoulder strap to pull him in the opposite direction of the Jedi toward the locker room and Freshers. Rex stumbled after him, only getting his feet under him when they were around the corner and he lunged toward the sink, gripping both sides of the basin before retching violently.

Cody came to lay a gentle hadn’t on the back of his head and noted grimly that his brother hadn’t eaten recently enough to actually throw anything up but bile. He made a mental note to contact Kix about that.

The freshers were mostly empty, and Cody made aggressive eye contact with any troopers that were around and seemed to be lingering longer than necessary, determined to protect as much of his vod’s privacy as possible. His fingers kept up a steady pressure on the back of his neck, grounding Rex as much as he could as he held on to the sides of the sink like he expected the inertial dampeners on the ship to fail.

Rex’s breathing had gone from erratic to painful, gasping through either tears or panic, Cody couldn’t tell for certain.

“Breathe, vod’ika.” Cody said giving him a thump on his backplate. _I’m here. You’re not alone._

Rex coughed and nodded, his shoulders rose and lowered as the Captain forced himself to take a few deep breaths and then he pulled himself up. He was still leaning heavily agains the sinks, but straightened so he could meet Cody’s eyes in the mirror.

“It’s Dogma.” It was a plea as much as it was a statement.

There had always been stories of vode that were sent away and wiped clean. But they were just stories. Or, they always had been. 

Not anymore.

Cody grit his teeth and nodded.

“I know.”

Rex's chin fell to his chest and he took another deep breath before turning around to face his older brother, desperation and pain shining in his eyes so bright it made Cody’s breath catch.

“Our individuality is the only thing that is ours. Our names. Our ink….” Rex shook his head, miserable and overwhelmed. He let his hands drop to his sides. “But if they can just wipe that away and reset us. Then we really are just flesh droids. And they’re right to call us property and not people.”

Cody’s stomach turned and he hated himself for not being able to find the words to argue.

“If our _souls_ can be stolen from us," Rex's breath hitched, Cody's eyes burned. "Then are we really human at all?”

Silence filled the tiny room, broken only by Rex’s harsh breathing. After a long moment, Cody stepped forward, raising one hand to thumb away the tear the had slipped out the corner of his brother’s eye. He rested his hand on the his cheek before sliding it down to his shoulder. He pulled, gently but insistently, until Rex’s head bowed forward, thumping against his own.

“I have you.” He said finally and immediately Rex’s posture softened and he melted toward him. He didn't have the answers. He couldn't take away Rex's pain. But he could be there, he could make sure Rex didn't have to go through this alone too. "We'll figure this out."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rex comes to terms with a few things.
> 
> And completely ignores others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kix is a medic, but he's still a clone so...bad coping skills continue to abound.

"Come meditate with me," Obi Wan offered again, not even opening his eyes. He knelt near the wall in his small quarters that he had claimed as a Meditation space. On the other side of the room Anakin's lanky frame paced back and forth, agitated and frowning down at the deck plating.

"Can't." He said simply. Obi Wan sighed and opened his eyes.

"Anakin."

"Dogma. That was Dogma, Obi Wan. From Umbara. It was him only...only it wasn’t. How can...what have they done?” He stopped abruptly, and stared for a moment before adding quietly, "what have _we_ done."

Obi Wan shifted, uncomfortable in a way that had nothing to do with the pressure this position put on his joints.

"We've done what we had to. Dogma..."

"No. _Dogma_ did what he had to. And he was..." Anakin shook his head, shrugging helplessly. "I dont know. Erased? Re-re" he stammered trying to remember the term he'd heard whispered between troopers who thought they'd crossed a line. "Recycled? Reconditioned?"

Obi Wan's face darkened. "They aren’t resources to be thrown away or reused.”

"Do the Kaminoans know that? Or the Senate?" He turned around to face his master, but his gaze defocused somewhere over Obi Wan's head. "Property. Thats what official record calls them. Property...slaves, Obi Wan."

With a pained sigh Obi Wan let his chin fall to his chest. He closed his eyes.

“Anakin. You must be careful of letting yourself slip into these types of thoughts. Be mindful of the Dark Side."

"You don’t understand!" Anakin burst out, taking a step forward. Obi Wan winced. "You don’t know what its like."

Slowly, the Master raised his head, cool blue eyes meeting their match in fire.

"Oh but I do, Padawan mine. Far better than you realize."

Anakin scoffed. Obi Wan breathed out into the Force, wrapping a cocoon of calm around them both. Anakin narrowed his eyes in annoyance.

“What do you know about the Syndicate occupation of Phindar?”

Anakin wrinkled his nose and Obi Wan sighed.

“Never mind. All you need understand is I know what Dogma has been through. When I was a young Padawan I was nearly wiped myself, but I was able to resist the violation by using the Force.”

Anakin stopped pacing and stared wide eyed at his master. “You?”

“Yes.” Obi Wan responded simply. He shivered, remembering the cold air of the tiny cell where they’d held him. The fear and helplessness that had threatened to overtake him, panicked at the idea of losing his memories and friendships and training. How that fear had been a cold, dark presence in his mind, overwhelming and insurmountable.

But for his gift from Qui Gon, that little stone that helped him find his way out of the Dark, he would have been lost forever.

Just like Dogma.

Obi Wan took a deep breath and reached for the Force again almost compulsively as the memory reared up inside him, and felt himself calm when It reached back. 

“I didn’t know. Master I-”

Obi Wan shook his head and tried to smile. “There was no reason you should have.”

Anakin looked away, appreciating Obi wan’s effort to put him at ease even if he didn’t think he quite deserved it.

“I understand the Cold on Kamino now.” He muttered absently, looking down and flexing his hands, the mechanisms in his right creaking inside the leather glove. “They live in fear. The men. A million minds in constant fear of a punishment worse than death.”

A blast of cold and rage as if from a physical wind buffeted against Obi Wan’s mind and he held out a hand.

“Come. Meditate with me. Cody and Rex will be here soon. They will need us to be centered.” This was _their_ trauma, a hurt caused by the Jedi. The Jedi, Obi wan was coming to realize, were responsible for most of the Clone’s suffering. “For Rex, Anakin. He needs you to be balanced.”

_He needs you._

After a moment Anakin nodded and walked across the room and knelt beside his master. Obi wan would have felt badly for using his Padawan’s attachment to his second in command if he weren’t so intensely aware of his own.

“We will find a way to fix this Anakin. The Council will not let this treatment of the men continue.”

The younger man took a deep breath and closed his eyes, letting himself sink into the Force.

“Yes, Master.”

* * *

Rex was sitting alone in the dark this time.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

He looked up from the floor, his back leaned against the side of his bunk. Cody stood over him, still in his shell and looking equal parts disappointed and concerned.

Rex looked away.

“‘M not drunk.” He muttered, bringing his flask to his lips.

Cody rolled his eyes. “Of course not. Because sober brothers always sit on the floor in the dark drinking by themselves.” He dropped into a crouch in front of him and shook his head. “How many times do I have to tell you this doesn’t help?”

Rex didn’t answer, just kept staring blankly at the floor.

Cody took a deep breath and looked away, gathering his thoughts and his self control. He _wanted_ to smack some sense into him. Wanted to yell and shake him and shoot the Still into space and dry Rex out. He wanted his _brother_ back.

Instead, he turned and dropped to his bottom, bumping his shoulder against his Rex's. 

“At least you’re quiet when you’re passed out drunk.” He sighed. "Otherwise you snore like a gundark."

“Not drunk.” Rex repeated around another swallow.

Cody didn’t respond to that particular self-delusion and shoved a tablet into his hand. Rex waited until while the display went from blurry splotches to squiggles of text and squinted as he read.

**_CC-2224 requesting use of ARC-27-5555 and ARC-31-5597 for a special stealth mission as of yet classified and considered a matter of galactic importance to the Republic._ **

  
_**High General Obi-Wan Kenobi - Approved** _

“Whats this?” Rex muttered, letting the tablet drop to the floor between them.

“It’s the mission we discussed with the Generals this afternoon?” Cody tilted his head and narrowed his eyes at the flask hanging loosely from Rex’s fingers. “You don’t remember?”

Rex looked back down at the tablet.

_“We will bring this before the Council. You have my word, the Jedi will not stand for this.”_

_Rex’s jaw clenched, and his hands twitched with the desire to remove his helmet as he was suddenly **burning** beneath his shell._

_“Rex? I promise. We didn't know about this. And we won’t let the Reconditioning practice continue.” Anakin’s voice was uncharacteristically gentle as he reached toward his friend._

_Rex tried to take a deep breath, but whatever self-control he still had after Umbara and Kadavo had been all but worn away by drink. He jerked away from Anakin’s hand._

_“The Council,” he spat, cold and bitter, “didn’t even know they had a Fallen Jedi within their ranks. You’ll forgive me if I don’t place my whole confidence in **The Council**_. _”_

_“You're out of line, Captain.” Cody hissed, but was cut off by Obi wan raising a hand toward him._

_“It’s alright Cody. Rex is angry. And with good reason.” He stepped slowly around the table they’d gathered at and laid a gentle hand on Rex’s shoulder. “The Jedi have failed you, Rex. You and your brothers. Please, allow us the opportunity to make it right.”_

_Rex’s helmet twitched toward Anakin and came back to Kenobi._

_“What about Dogma?”_

_Obi wan sighed, dropping his hand and tucking it back into the sleeves of his robe._

_“If there is a way to reverse the treatment, we will of course offer it as an option to him but-”_

_“But what?”_

_“Rex, you must prepare yourself for the possibility of there being no more Dogma. And if there is a treatment, that he may not want it.”_

“Dogma’s not dead.” Rex muttered after a long silence.

Cody clenched his teeth. A hypocritical part of him wishing he was as drunk as Rex was proclaiming not to be right now.

“How much of that have you had today?”

“I don’t keep count, vod.” His voice was raspy and slow, so even without Rex’s guess Cody had a pretty good idea it wasn’t ‘a little’.

Angerthat came from places Cody found raw and undefined flared hot in his chest and he flailed internally, searching for a place to put it.

He snatched the flask away. “You’re done.”

“I told you not to tell me when I’ve had enough.” Rex snapped back, glaring and Cody was perversely satisfied to get a reaction at all since his brother had had all the personality of a wet towel since he walked in. Then right behind the satisfaction was another rush of anger because it was starting to look like _this_ was the only thing Rex cared about anymore.

“And I told you if you let this shit interfere with your job I’d put an end to it.”

“It’s not interfering.”

“Oh yeah? Tell me even one thing that happened today?” He paused but Rex made no move to answer. “Or better yet, “ he wiggled the flask, “take it from me.”

Rex eyed the container, but didn’t move. He wasn’t so far gone as to think his sluggish reflexes would be any match for an agitated and dead sober Commander Cody.

“That’s what I thought.” Cody stood and moved away, stashing the flask somewhere out of Rex’s line of sight.

“I can always get another.” He said, because he was feeling belligerent and, okay, maybe he was a little drunk.

Cody sighed heavily. Rex heard him come back and sit on the bunk behind him.

"The Jedi aren’t perfect Vod. They didn’t ask to lead this war anymore than we asked to fight it." He said after a few minutes and Rex frowned. That hadn’t been what he was expecting. “They let you down. Krell was a monster and they should have known. They made a mistake. The only way to fix a mistake, is to move forward and take action. And that’s what they’re doing.” Cody shifted and Rex felt a weight on top of his head.

Cody was still angry with him. Scared and worried for him, but angry too. Because Cody could see the way this was eating away at his little brother. He’d been on Umbara. It hadn’t been the hell for him what it had been for the 501st, but he still couldn’t quite look Boil in the eye. And he’d noticed the squads that had been involved in the friendly fire incident had been taking comfort in drink more than others as well. And Rex had commanded that Cluster.

Between that and the scars on his neck from the slave camp, the details of which Cody still hadn’t managed to pry out of his brother or his general…Cody honestly couldn’t say if it were him he’d be handling it any different.

He bit his lip and stroked his thumb back and forth in Rex’s short hair for a moment.

“I know it hurts.” He was surprised when the words came out in a whisper, but pressed on, hoping Rex could hear him.“I know you feel like you’re drowning sometimes in guilt and pain. I understand, I really do. But answer me this. Every time you find yourself at the bottom of a flask…is it easier, or _harder_ , to climb back out again?”

Rex didn’t answer, forced himself to stay still and silent underneath Cody’s hand. Eventually he felt the weight lift away and he heard Cody shift around on the bunk to stand. He listened as he went into the refresher, and a while later came back out again. He padded across the room and then the lights went out. Rex stared into the darkness and he heard Cody walk back over to climb into the bunk by the wall.

Rex didn’t move for a long time after that. Hours even. Until the darkness and still of the night had bled away to early morning and his head felt clear, with just a pleasant heaviness wrapped round his chest that made it just hard enough to breathe he had to think about it.

He got up, strapped on his bottom shell, and left Cody asleep in their room.

* * *

Rex had taken to occasionally wandering the ship on long nights when his mind wouldn’t shut up no matter how much he drank, and he always liked to check on the injured. He wasn’t really surprised when he found Kix awake in the medbay too. 

Kix sat alone in the CMO’s office, a generous term for the small corner that that was out of the direct line of sight from the main doors but by no means private. As Rex got closer he spotted an open canteen on the desk and an abandoned red cap.

“Captain.” He saluted with a jaded grin and his mug.

“Kix.” Rex dipped his chin at the medic.

“Care to join me?”

Rex came closer, eyeing the second, empty, mug with interest. “You don’t mind?”

Kix made a noise that Rex took as a negative and pulled over a chair, only to frown in confusion when Kix jerked the canteen away from him when he reached for it.

“Ah ah, drink yours first, then I’ll share.” Kix looked pointedly at the flask on Rex’s belt. “No one carries water on board the ship, sir.”

  
  
“Not going to scold me?”Rex asked, raising an eyebrow. He opened the flask and tipped it over. “Anyway, it’s empty.”

Kix rolled his eyes and passed him his canteen. “Would it matter? If I scolded you? Hasn’t worked too well for Commander Cody.” He grumbled.

“It’s not a problem.” Rex defended, pouring himself a mug of the strong cruiser brew. This one hit the tongue with a smokey aftertaste. One of the Besh boys’ creations then.

Kix always did have a way of getting his hands on the good stuff.

“So what’s the matter? Whats got you up self medicating in the middle of the night?” Rex kept this voice low, not wanting to disturb the sleeping vode nearby.

“Kenny is still in Bacta. His respiratory rate was erratic today, I wanted to keep an eye on it. And Jesse’s gone so…” Kix shrugged, taking another sip.

Rex nodded. He and Fives had left on their mission immediately after the orders came through.

“And I heard about CT.”

Rex looked up from staring blankly into his mug to find Kix’s brown eyes already boring into him.

“Fives has a big mouth.” Kix tipped his head in acknowledgement. “Who else knows?”

“Just a few of us older guys. Fives told Jesse and Me. A few others.” Kix shrugged, looking back down at a darkened pad on the desk. “It’s a shame.”

“That’s an understatement.” Rex snorted, draining the last of his glass and reaching immediately to refill it.

Kix nodded.“I just meant…he was a good soldier. Would have made a fine officer someday. Maybe even a Captain, like you. I suppose he still could.”

Rex’s chest twisted painfully and he took a long sip to quash it, savoring the way the liquid burned his throat all the way down.

“Some Captain I am,” he rasped, squeezing his hand around the half full mug. “Nearly got the whole battalion killed. Ordered us to fire on our own brothers. Then didn’t even have the stones to kill a traitor.” His voice cut out over the last word and he quickly gulped the last of his second mug to cover it.

He reached for the canteen again but this time Kix’s hand landed on top of his, stopping him.

“Theres plenty of blame to go around for Umbara Rex. I don’t see why you think you ought to be able to lay claim to all of it.”

“I was the ranking officer.”

“And I stood on Jesse's execution squad.”

Rex shook his head, looking away. But he didn’t pull back his hand.

“Kix-”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe we didn’t have a choice?”

“There’s always a choice.”

“Is there?” Kix’s voice rose just slightly and he moved until he was in Rex’s sight lines, forced to catch the medic’s eyes. “You’ve seen what General Skywalker can do. You’ve been on missions with him, or interrogations where he just," Kix waved his free hand, "tricks the mind. Makes someone believe what he wants them to. And he _isn’t_ a _dar’jetii_.

You weren’t the only one that was fooled. You, General Skywalker, the entire battalion, hell, the entire Jedi order was taken by surprise by Krell. It doesn’t make any sense. Maybe you didn’t see it because he didn’t want you to. Maybe there was nothing any of us could have done to change it.”

Kix pulled back his hand and Rex stared at the red cap on the canteen, lost in thought.

“Still doesn’t explain why I couldn’t kill him.”

Kix huffed, shoving Rex’s hand off the canteen so he could refill his mug.

“Maybe it wasn’t your place.”

Rex looked up and Kix leaned over to refill his cup too.

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “We shot at our brothers before we knew they were there. That’s forgivable. But Dogma raised his blaster at his vode of his own accord. Because he thought he was protecting his Jedi. And that Jedi turned out to be a traitor. Which means he did the unthinkable for no good reason.” Kix sighed into his drink. “If it had been me? I’d have killed the bastard for that alone.”

* * *

Rex rushed across the hanger toward his General, thankful as ever for his helmet. With his visor on the right setting the overhead lights were dimmed to a bearable level. His eyes stung from a sleepless light and his head ached from what was becoming a never ending hangover between short periods of fuzzy nothingness.

“Sir.” He stopped and saluted a few paces away from Skywalker’s Y-wing like the karking _professional_ he was, back straight and chin up as if every never ending he had wasn't on fire. “This just came through for you, sir.” He held out the pad with the message from the Front.

“Thanks,” he looked down at it and nodded, affixing his digisig and handing it back. “Great Rex, see you in a few days.” He turned to start climbing the ladder to the cockpit.

“You’re sure you don’t need an extra set of hands, sir?”

Skywalker smiled, turning back to his Captain.

“You that desperate to get off the ship, Rex?” He teased. Rex didn’t say that the walls felt like they were closing in around him, nor how acutely aware he was of the trio of men that had just walked in on the other side of the hanger. “It’s just a boring Jedi mission. I promise not to do anything fun without you.” 

Anakin had been working with clones long enough to recognize that particular head tilt as a disbelieving raised eyebrow. He chuckled and jerked his chin over Rex’s shoulder.

“Alright fine, but I’m taking the responsible one, so no need to worry.”

Rex turned to see Ahsoka jogging over, clearly running behind.

“You’re late Snips.”

“Give me a break, Master, you’re the one who’s said I had to finish my Temple homework before we could go,” she called back without breaking her stride on her way to her own ship. “Hey Rexter!”

Rex raised his hand in greeting and turned back to Anakin, who’d stepped closer to him, his face gone soft and serious.

“How are you?”

Rex drew his shoulders back. “Fine sir. We’ll be arriving at the Resolute in a few cycles. We'll gear up and swing back through the system for you and the Commander in the next tenday. All routine.”

Anakin nodded, looking as if Rex had entirely missed the point of the question.

“And the other thing?”

Rex went still and focused on keeping his eyes on his General and not letting them wander. “Cody’s handling it.”

“Are you?” When Rex didn’t answer quickly enough Skywalker sighed, reaching forward to grip his Captain’s forearm, immensely gratified when the man gripped him back without hesitation. “We’ll talk when I get back, okay?”

“Aye sir.”

Rex stood quietly and watched his Captain and Commander go through their preflight checks, bantering and bickering over comms in a way that settled the anxiety Rex always felt when his Jedi went off on a mission without him, without their men to watch their backs.

He knew they were capable, more than, of taking care of themselves. Just like he was more than capable of running the battalion without them.

He just didn’t like to.

And anyway, they were still on the Negotiator, which meant Cody and the 212th were in charge, he and his men were just passengers. It left Rex with more time on his hands than he liked.

Once the two small ships had cleared the hanger he heaved a deep sigh and turned toward the far end of the space where he’d heard the rowdy voices of shinies ribbing each other while stacking crates. Like a moth to a flame, he was drawn toward the mismatched group. Most of them wore gleaming white armor, but a few had already earned some paint, and there were smatterings of gold and blue moving between them.

“Comfortable, Gentleman?”

Of the dozen men milling about between a couple large stacks of crates, a handful had sunk to the floor and pulled their buckets off while they chatted.

“Captain!” Rex allowed himself to wince at the loud voice only because his helmet was on and no one would see. The lot of them snapped to attention, the ones that had been sitting jumping to their feet. Rex tucked his hands behind his back and waited.

“Sir. The QM had a couple men go to pull replacement parts out of storage. We were told to wait for them to come back so we could put them away, sir.” One man Rex recognized from the Mess that day with Fives, explained. Flashbang, he was pretty sure was his name. The trooper beside him standing just a little too close must have been his friend Ty.

“At ease then, men.” Rex said. The men did so, but didn’t go back to being quite as relaxed as before, preferring to stay in a line and stare straight ahead after being caught lazing around by their CO. Rex walked toward the two he recognized. “Where’s your friend?”

Breaking protocol, Flashbang looked at him.

“Over there, sir. With the pad. He’s counting crates.”

Rex nodded and waved his hand. “As you were.”

CT _(Dogma)_ was bent over his clipboard, a serious frown on his face as he meticulously counted and marked the size and contents of each crate stacked in the area.

“Stuck with Reconciling duty?” Rex announced his presence with forced levity. As he’d suspected he would, Dogma jumped. He always had a way of getting so focused on his work that he blocked out the rest of the world. Rex himself had witnessed Dogma being startled out of a reverie while cleaning his blasters multiple times.

“Captain.” Dogma saluted quickly and Rex waved him off. “As you were.”

Dogma nodded and went back to counting.

“So who’d you piss off to get put on this assignment?”

“I volunteered” Dogma said. “I like it.” 

Rex stared. Reconciling duty was the standard punishment in the 501st, just above latrine duty on the list of hated punishments. His rowdy hoard had always hated being made to stand still and complete the tedious task of matching up supply orders to actual deliveries.

“Have you always?” He asked without thinking.

Dogma paused. “I’ve never done it before. But…it’s quiet. The others stay away.”

“Worried they’ll be asked to help.”

“Never. Most of them can’t count without their HUD calcs to help.” Dogma snorted and smiled at him. _Teasing_.

Rex was staring again.

“Except Flashbang and Ty. They’re okay.” Dogma amended after a moment.

Rex racked his brain for something to say, his mouth felt too dry.

“It must have been hard.” He said finally, watching Dogma carefully for a response. “Going into a new unit so close to graduation.”

Dogma looked up at him in surprise. Rex looked back steadily until Dogma's gaze shifted to the left, staring into space.

“It was. At first,” He confided, quietly. “I was angry…that I couldn’t remember my old squad. I think…I think they deserve to be remembered.” His eyes flickered back to Rex’s as if looking for confirmation. Rex clenched his fists and counted his breaths. “I didn’t want to be their friend.” His eyes drifted over Rex’s shoulder to where Flashbang and Ty were loading crates onto a hover lift. “I was…worried. I thought if I forgot my first squad…and something happened to this one then…I might forget them too.”

Rex’s helmet was malfunctioning. His vision had gone blurry and he couldn’t breathe right. He blinked hard and held his breath until he couldn't anymore.

“Dogm…CT, that’s not…” He tried, but his voice caught and trailed off. CT didn't seem to notice.

“But Ty helped me.” He continued, he folded the pad to his chest. “He said as long as I tried to remember them, then they weren’t really forgotten. He said if I thought of them when I said my Remembrances, then they stayed with me.” He blinked, as if coming back to himself and looked at Rex before turning quickly to the floor. He shrugged.

“Maybe he was just trying to make me feel better.”

“I think he’s right.” Rex said, finally finding his voice. 

“Hey CT!”

They both turned and saw Flashbang and Ty waving frantically. “C’mon! It’s lunchtime!”

CT started to shake his head but Rex reached out and grasped his shoulder, squeezing just a little too tight.

“You should go. Your squad’s waiting for you.”

He hesitated only a second and then nodded, setting aside his pad, he started to walk away, but paused after only a few seconds and turned back.

“Captain?” He bit his lip before squaring his shoulders, turning to look at Rex fully. “I’m thankful for my post here with the 212th. But…if I’d been posted with the 501st. With you,” he smiled slightly, “I would have been thankful for that too.”

Rex couldn’t speak so he only nodded. CT saluted crisply and turned on his heel, jogging to catch up with the others. When he did, Flashbang and Ty threw their arms around his shoulders, folding him between them like he fit perfectly.

Rex was surprised to realize that he did.

The trio of shinies started to walk away, and Rex’s stomach lurched to see a group of 501st vets walking toward them in the opposite direction, one of them with a distinctive blue teardrop painted on his bucket.

Rex held his breath as the two groups approached each other, waiting to see what would happen.

It turned out to be rather anticlimactic.

The 501st boys called out a friendly greeting as they passed, and the 212th shinies returned it.

That was it.

A moment later Flashbang, Ty and CT disappeared out the main hanger doors, and the group of Rex's men approached the place where he stood bolted to the floor. One of them had just said something over unit comms and Tup’s head tipped backward, his riotous laughter filtering out of his vocoder and starting a chain reaction of laughter through his group.

“Captain,” they all salute when close enough and Rex returned it automatically, turning to watch as Tup reached over and shoved one of his brothers, who stumbled dramatically before jumping on the kid’s back, forcing him to carry him for a few paces as retribution.

Rex didn’t move until they’d disappeared around a corner.

The hanger suddenly feeling too large and empty, Rex turned and made his way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I like holes in my head. One more chap.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things must get worse before they get better. 
> 
> But they do get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I love an angst train as much as the next fangirl, but this one is pulling into the station. I hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> And hopefully now I can buckle down and finish _Brothers Under the Sun_. So anyone reading that can be on the lookout.
> 
> You know what Tup needs? Dimples. 
> 
> You're welcome.

Obi Wan breathed a sigh of relief when the blue holoimage solidified enough that he was able to make out the forms of the ARC troopers on the other side of the call.

"Its good to see your faces, men." He said, mimicking their posture by tucking his hands behind his back. "Any updates?"

It had only been a few cycles, but Obi Wan was sure, based on the professional blankness on both their faces, a farce he'd seen Cody lean on more than once, they had not just found something. It was something _big_.

“Yes sir.”

To their credit, neither Jesse nor Fives fidgeted. Or even looked to the other for reassurance. They stared straight ahead at Obi Wan’s holoimage, looking every bit the ruthlessly competent super soldiers they were.

How they'd managed to pass themselves off as mere janitorial clones was beyond Obi Wan entirely.

“I get the feeling I’m not going to like what you’re about to tell me.”

Jesse’s shoulders relaxed slightly at his words, apparently glad the General was already catching up.

“No sir.” Fives cleared his throat. “We’ll make this fast, or someone will wonder why it’s taking so long to clean this room.”

At that Jesse nodded, stepping slightly out of frame of the recorder to take a small data stick from somewhere on his person and insert it into the console. As Jesse worked, Fives gave their report.

“The program the slicers came up with worked like a charm. We were able to get details on the practices of both decommissioning and reconditioning.” Fives cut himself off and Kenobi got the distinct impression the too even rhythm of his breaths was requiring more focus and forced calm than he realized. “Decommissioning is actually relatively uncommon beyond the age of decanting. It’s used to…dispose of clones that display undesirable traits or…inconsistencies.”

Obi Wan’s jaw went slack.

“Decommissioning… _prior to decanting?_ ” Force…it wasn't bad enough the Jedi had been called upon to command what was essentially a child army...the Kaminoans were killing _babies_.

Obi wan suddenly understood Fives’ measured breathing. He imagined for as angry and nauseous as he felt by the report, it probably didn’t compare to what Jesse and Fives were feeling. The men considered every clone a brother, no matter how young or old. The thought rose then, unbidden in his mind, how easy it would be for the Clones to revolt, to stand up and say _'no more'_ and there wouldn't be a darn thing anyone in the Republic could do about it. 

The idea both terrified and elated him. 

Obi Wan cleared his throat and reached for the Force, reentering imself so he could focus. 

"And the reconditioning?"

Jesse returned to his brother’s side, pressing their shoulders together surreptitiously when he tucked his hands behind his back.

“I’m sending our data on a scrambled channel. It should reach you momentarily. Run it through our previously agreed upon decryption.”

Obi wan nodded. “Anything else?”

This time Jesse and Fives did exchange a glance and it set Obi wan on edge.

“Yes sir. The data you’re receiving…it’s a list. They appear to be some type of override orders.”

“Override?” Obi wan reached for his Pad that was patched into the secure channel he’d set up for this mission, the decryption queuing up.

“Yes.” Fives all but hissed the word and Obi wan looked up at him, seeing now that the blankness on his face was pulled taut at the corners, great effort being displayed to keep his professional facade in place.

“Override for what?”

“We’re not sure yet. All we’ve been able to find is that they are override orders. Presumably something that would override standing orders or even…” Jesse trailed off.

“Free will.” Fives finished.

Obi wan frowned. “That can’t be possible.”

Five and Jesse both stared back at him and Obi Wan’s stomach dropped at the pleasant chirp from his device, indicating a new transmission waiting to be viewed.

“The reconditioning protocol is Order 24.”

Obi wan raised an eyebrow and reached for his Pad again, hesitating before opening it. “Twenty four? How many are there?”

“Over 100, sir.”

“We’ve highlighted the ones that seem to be the greatest risk to Republic security. Orders five, sixteen, twenty-four, thirty-seven and…sixty-six.”

Obi wan read through the list Jesse had sent, feeling himself grow more pale and cold as he read through each of the indicated orders. His stomach churned and he felt the Force swirling around him. He’d never been prone to sensing Shatterpoints, but somehow he wouldn’t be surprised to find that this was a big one.

“You said you thought these orders might even be able to override a trooper’s free will?” Both men nodded grimly. “Any idea how?”

“No sir, but we can continue to investigate-“

“No.” Obi wan cut him off, shutting down his Pad and slamming it onto the table, resting the urge to grind his teeth. “No. I want you both off of Kamino at the first possible opportunity. This has become too dangerous.”

“But sir.”

“We aren’t giving up the investigation. But we are most certainly moving you both out of harm’s way. I don’t want there to be any indication to the Kaminoans that we’ve found this information. We must tread carefully. Many of your brothers are still on Kamino, we can’t risk them. I’ll call Shaak Ti when we are finished, she will make sure you make it off planet safely.”

After a brief hesitation both men nodded.

“Aye sir.”

On Fives’ and Jesse’s side of the call an alarm chirped and Fives smacked his wrist. “It’s time to go.”

“Very well. Good job men. We’ll see you soon.”

“Sir wait!”

Obi Wan paused in reaching to disconnect the call and looked at Jesse, who’d leaned forward, a complicated, careful look on his face.

“What is it Jesse?”

“Sir,” He swallowed, looking uncertain for the first time in the course of the call. “You…you really didn’t know?”

Obi wan drew his eyebrows together. “Know?”

“About the decommissioning, the memory wipes…any of it?”

Obi wan frowned, tucking his hands into his sleeves and gripping his own forearms tightly.

“Jesse how could… _no_. I swear it. Why would you ever believe we would let those kinds of practices continue if we were aware?” He knew the Jedi had failed the clones in many ways leading countless thousands of them to their deaths before they’d even had the chance to live not the least of them but…they thought more fo them than _this_ …didn’t they?

Jesse looked slightly sheepish. “We were made for the Jedi. We’ve always been taught you ordered our creation…we’re _for_ you. We had no reason to think you weren’t aware. Or didn’t approve of it.”

Obi wan swallowed back bile and gathered his thoughts quickly, aware they were tempting fate by not severing the communication.

“I…am not at liberty to explain specifics but…the Jedi were not…we did not order…” He cut himself off, searching for words that would not complicate matters nor open a can of Jedi worms. He settled for the clearest truth he could grasp in the moment.

“The first duty of every Jedi is to protect sentient life. Whatever else the Vode are, you _are_ sentient. And you _are_ deserving of our protection. You have my word, Jesse, from now on… _you will have it._ ” 

* * *

Rex wasn’t sure what time it was. He had reported for a short duty shift at some point, some strain of a flulike virus was making its rounds through some of the more rundown units and Rex would have sworn he had scheduled someone to fill the gaps…

In the end he ended up filling those gaps.

At least running all over the ship for the past few days had kept his mind too busy to dwell on his talk with CT.

But...he never used to make those kinds of mistakes. His gut churned uncomfortably with the knowledge that little slips like that were becoming almost commonplace. To the point that Jesse and Kix had started taking over some of the routine scheduling and reporting that Rex used to take care of.

Rex had been telling himself that was because Anakin was a handful and Ahsoka was too busy with Jedi training to take care of the day to day tasks of running a battalion like a Commander normally would and it was understandable that Rex was struggling to pick up the slack.

Except he never used to.

And in the privacy of his own head, where Cody couldn’t be smug about being right, he was man enough to admit to himself that it was more than that.

After his mess of covered shifts, he’d stopped briefly at his quarters, sworn a blue streak when he found Cody had located his stash of canteens and either moved or disposed of them. After that he’d skipped dinner and followed a helpful vod’s directions to the Aft Auxiliary Water Purification section, where he’d been informed the latest batch of Cruiser Brew still wasn’t ready yet.

Rex’s precious, meddling older brother had probably known that too, damn him.

So instead of a blissful evening of fuzzy nothingness Rex had been cursed to a blossoming headache, a mind that was too exhausted to shut up and a body that was too wired to sleep.

That had been over a day ago. His head hadn't stopped pounding since and both food and sleep had lost what little appeal they'd held before.

Now hours of aimless insomnia fueled wandering had lead him, eventually, to the gym.

Rex realized, once he arrived, that it must have been much later than he thought. The gym was only ever this deserted in the earliest hours of morning.

It was just as well, in his current state he wouldn’t make a very good sparring partner anyway.

He’d already stripped and stashed his shell and was halfway through wrapping his hands, hoping a tough workout would clear CT’s voice from his head _(knowing it wouldn’t but there was nothing else to do anyway)_ when he heard shuffling from somewhere else in the gym.

Curious, he followed the noise, that was sounding more and more suspiciously like sniffling, past heavy bags and deactivated sparring droids to a small alcove behind the folded up mats in the corner furthest from the doors.

“Tup?” Rex said, quietly. He was seated on the floor dressed in loose fitting PT clothes with his head in his hands, his face curtained on both sides by his hair.

Tup’s head snapped up, eyes rimmed red and nose and cheeks flushed red. “Captain. I…uh.”

Rex held up a hand and Tup trained off from whatever excuse he’d been about to make up. He walked slowly forward, aware of Tup’s eyes tracking him, and slid to the ground beside him.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Tup nodded, making a passing attempt at a smile. Rex didn’t respond, but mimicked Tup’s position, elbows on knees, so that their shoulders touched.

Tup’s smile faltered. “I couldn’t sleep. Nightmares.”

Rex nodded. “I know the feeling.”

Tup hmm’d and turned to look at the ground.

“Captain, can I ask you something?”

Rex looked over. Tup's hair was tucked behind one ear and had pulled his hands into his lap to fidget with his fingers.

“Have you ever…did you ever…have you ever thought you saw a dead man?”

Rex’s stomach turned to ice.

“What?”

Tup shrugged, gripping his fingers tight. “I lost a bet. Had to pick up Skip’s shift in the hanger. Reconciling duty.”

Rex’s chest ached. He wasn't breathing.

He grit his teeth and inhaled. Hold. Exhale.

_Breathe_.

“There was this guy there. From the 212th. He was a shiny but he didn’t…he didn’t seem like a shiny. He…” Tup shook his head, frowning at his lap. “He seemed so familiar. He reminded me of…of…”

Inhale. Hold. Exhale.

“Dogma.”

Tup whipped his head up and stared at Rex with wide eyes. He opened his mouth to respond but nothing came.

“I’m sorry Tup.” Rex swallowed. Inhale. Hold. “I wanted to tell you.” Exhale

Tup just blinked, his hands had gone still and he stared, his eyes growing shinier by the second.

“So…I’m not crazy?”

Inhale.

Rex shook his head minutely. The air around them too still and silent and _heavy_. He could barely move.

Hold.

“No, kid. You’re not crazy.”

Exhale.

Tup’s face crumpled and he pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face in his arms and under a mountain of hair. He cried without a sound.

Inhale. Hold.

Rex laid an arm across his shoulders and snugged up beside him. He waited. His eyes stayed dry but stung as he stared across the gym at the far wall and his chest ached and ached and ached.

Exhale.

Rex’s arm shifted and he looked over to see Tup had sat up and was leaning slightly into his embrace, looking raw and worn and a little bit lost. Rex squeezed his shoulders.

“You okay?” He asked again, his whisper too loud in the quiet.

After a long moment Tup sighed.

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

Rex closed his eyes.

“It’s stupid, right? We never get to say goodbye. On the battlefield. You’re just…here then you’re gone. It shouldn’t bother me that Dogma and I didn’t but…”

“He wasn’t killed on the battlefield.” Rex didn’t mean it the way he suspected that Tup took it. Dogma didn’t die on the battlefield, because he didn’t die _at all._

Tup nodded. “And it’s just always bothered me that I didn’t get to tell him.” Tup shook his head, eyes defocusing for a moment, lost in thought. Finally, he turned toward Rex, eyes still red from tears, hair a mess, a slow smile with shades of grief and acceptance blossomed across his face. Rex noted absently that Tup was one of those rare, lucky vod who had dimples. 

“But I did today. We talked through our whole shift. He’s really smart. And he’s funny, too. Dogma could never tell a joke. But CT…he’s really funny. Even if it isn’t always on purpose. But then, Dogma was that way too.” Tup laughed, obviously remembering spending time with his friend. Rex wondered which version of him he was remembering.

“Then, at the end, his friends came to get him and I had some work to finish still so I told him ‘goodbye’ and that I really enjoyed getting to work with him. Can you believe that?” Tup asked, but Rex didn’t understand the awestruck look on his face.

‘What do you mean?”

Tup smiled again. “Don’t you see, Captain? I got to tell him what regretted never saying. I got the 'one more day' with my friend that I always wanted.”

Rex didn’t see. How could Tup be satisfied with one more day when his last surviving batch mate was within reach?

“Tup…don’t you want…Don’t you think we should tell him?”

Tup’s smile faded away and Rex couldn’t help but feel guilty for that. He turned to stare across the gym for several minutes and Rex waited beside him, refocusing for a moment on his headache, which was now accompanied by intermittent waves of nausea, joy of joys.

“You know how I said Dogma couldn’t tell jokes?” Rex nodded, “I don’t think it was because he didn’t understand them…Dogma was hard to get to know. And hard to get along with. Lots of cadets didn’t like him, but it wasn’t his fault.” Tup frowned, wrapping his arms around his knees. “The trainers…they were really cruel to him. I don’t know why they didn’t like him. They would separate him a lot, he’d disappear from training for hours and when he came back he wouldn’t tell me what happened. But I think that’s why he was always so worried about getting in trouble.” Tup bit his lip, that strange, small smile coming to his face again.

“But CTs not like that. He’s not afraid. And his…new squad, they’re really good. Flashbang and Ty. They like him, just for who he is. Just like I used to.” Tup trailed off and took a deep breath. He turned to look at Rex, the smile turned watery and forced.

“He’s happy. I can’t take that from him just because I miss my friend. I can’t do that to him.”

Rex swallowed hard and Tup came willingly when he tugged until he was leaning against his side again. He pressed his face into Tup's hair and squeezed.

“You’re a good kid, Tup.” Rex whispered, it was all the volume he could manage.

“Thank you. You’re a good Captain. Dogma always said so.”

Rex made a small sound in the back of his throat and he was sure his heart was breaking.

His chest ached, his head ached. Everything hurt and Rex couldn’t remember the last time it hadn't. And that was the point, wasn't it? That was what Cody and Kix and Fives had been trying to tell him.

_This doesn’t help._

He hurt and he couldn’t see past the guilt that was drowning him to what might be best for CT. Where at first he'd been a catalyst for his guilt, CT had also become an unexpected beacon of hope. He _had_ to bring Dogma back, had to make him _remember_. Because only Dogma could forgive Rex for what he'd done. For not protecting him. For _failing_ him.

_Maybe there was nothing any of us could have done to change it._

But Rex's forgiveness would cost CT his existence. His soul in exchange for Dogma's.

_Forcing him to be the Dogma we knew is just as much a violation as what the kaminii did in the first place._

Fives had moved on. Kix had forgiven himself. Even Tup had made peace with losing his friend.

Why couldn’t Rex just _let it go?_

The thought knocked his breath out of him and he gasped _(inhaleexhalebreathe)_. Behind his choked breathe came his headache exploding back into the forefront of his mind and with it another wave of nausea and lightheadedness.

“Captain?”

Rex blinked and realized he was looking at the ceiling, Tup leaning so low over him his hair brushed across his face, looking to be on the edge of panic.

Rex grunted, trying to push himself to sit back up.

“Sir you’re shaking.” Tup had reversed their positions, now he had an arm drawn across his Captain’s shoulders. “Maybe...Let me take you to the medbay.”

“No.” Rex shook his head. “’m just tired. I need to get to bed. And so do you. You have first shift tomorrow in the Kitchen.” Rex was guessing, he couldn’t remember at the moment what he’d scheduled for Torrent’s kitchen rotation, but Tup didn’t’ argue so he must have guessed right.

“Still, Captain, I think…”

“If I let you walk me back to my room will that ease your conscience?” Rex offered, making an effort _(a lot of effort, kriff)_ to smile and put the younger trooper at ease.

Tup huffed. “Fine. But if Kix asks me about you I won’t lie. He’s scarier than you are. Sir.”

Rex smiled a shade more genuine. “Smart man.”

In the end, Rex decided the sooner he lay down the better, and the ARC quarters are empty right now anyway. Tup deposited him without complaint, taking the Captain at his word that he would comm Kix if he felt any worse.

Rookie mistake.

* * *

Kix reached for his comm after it going off for the second time in as many minutes. He’d volunteered to take over for Coric, the man hadn’t left the medbay in over 30 hours. Thanks to the double compliment currently aboard the _Negotiator_ leading to double the normal number of ‘maintenance’ injuries, sprains and bruises from the vigorous sparring most men filled their time with between battles, as well as the particularly virulent strain of Rhodian flu making its way through the ranks, the man had been dead on his feet.

“Alright, just, keep it elevated for the next ten-day and _no sparring_ or I’ll find out and make Tank sit on you.” He clapped Fidget on the shoulder and put his comm to his mouth, turning to make his way to the supply closet for more medium size bacta patches.

“Kix here.”

_“Kix, it’s Cody.”_

“Commander?” Kix paused, scanning the room out of habit for whoever its as the man might have been calling for. “Everything alright?”

_“Yeah, I...well. I’m not sure.”_

Kix swallowed a groan. He knew that guilty uncertainty in a vod’s voice.

“What did you do.”

Cody snorted and Kix relaxed slightly. _“It’s not me.”_

Kix breathed a sigh of relief and let himself into the supply closet to begin rummaging around, trying to make sense of Coric’s filing system as he spoke.

“Well I hope you’re not calling with a medical emergency. I just got your CMO to go to bed.”

_“No no nothing like that just…wondering if you’ve seen or heard from Rex.”_

Kix stopped short.

“What do you mean?”

Cody sighed deeply and Kix could just see him rubbing his hand over his face, the way Rex did when he was stressed and thought no one was looking.

_“Well no one has seen him since he left a duty shift last night. Which isn’t that unusual but he missed a shift this morning and that-”_

“Isn’t like him at all. Okay,” Kix took a deep breath, then frowned. “Wait, don’t you two room together? He never came back last night?”

_“No he didn’t. But that’s not that unusual either he’s been…struggling lately. I just figured he’d gone to blow off some steam,”_ the way Cody spat the phrase Kix figured he was using that as a euphemism for the Captain’s favorite vice of late. _“I was too exhausted to go hunting for him like some mother nexu looking for a cub.”_ Kix smirked at the brotherly irritation in the Commander’s voice. _“When I didn’t see him this morning I just assumed he’d left early for his shift. But he isn't answering his comm and I just spoke to Skip, he said he never showed.”_

Kix nodded. “Alright. I’ll reach out to the men, see if anyone has seen him. He’s probably just off covering someone’s shift and forgot he already had one of his own.” Cody didn't say how unlikely that was, that Rex was too careful, too thoughtful a Captain to make such a careless mistake. Kix wondered if Cody knew how bad Rex's habit had really gotten.

_“Okay, thanks Kix. Let me know when you find him.”_

“Aye sir.”

Tup was quick to provide the information on the missing Captain, so the ARC barracks was the first place Kix went to look when Rex continued to be unreachable via comms.

“Captain if you’re just oversleeping I’m going to schedule all your booster Vaccs for the same cycle.” Kix grumbled as he punched in Coric’s CMO override code on the door.

Inside the room Kix was hit with the acrid tang of vomit and sweating the air and snapped to alert, turning the lights on and earning a moan from the bunk in the corner.

“Captain?” Kix spied the waste bin, the source of the smell, and settled onto the bunk, rolling Rex over to face him. “What’s wrong? Why didn’t you comm me?”

Rex’s skin was cold and clammy, his muscles trembling visibly since he'd managed to strip to his shorts at some point. Kix pulled the scanner off his belt.

“Rex? Answer me. Name and rank.”

Rex swallowed a few times, his eyes were squeezed shut, both hands wrapped around his stomach.

“Who…what?” He rasped and half sat up going white as a sheet. Kix lunged for the bucket, shoving Rex’s head into it just in time for the miserable Captain to vomit nothing but bile.

When he finished, Kix helped him sit back.

“Easy,” Kix said, firmly grasping Rex’s chin. “Name and rank. Now.”

“Rex.” He managed. “Captain?”

Kix hummed releasing him and picking up his scanner, having dropped it in his haste to get the waste bin. “I’d feel better about that answer if it hadn’t come out in a question.”

Rex didn’t respond but stayed curled on his side, sweating through the sheets. Kix sighed as his scanner beeped happily. “Well you’re tachycardic and you have a fever. What have you done to yourself? Tup said he met you in the gym last night. Did you injure yourself sparring?” Kix reached for his penlight and pried the Captain’s eyelids open enough to check pupil dilation. They were sluggish, but not uneven, so he ruled out a concussion.

“Rex?”

Rex grunted, turning away from his light and grimacing. “No.”

KIx sighed again, unsure if that was an answer to his question or just a general statement on how Rex felt about Kix’s examination.

“Rex. C’mon, I need you to focus. What am I dealing with here?” The Captain was still clutching his stomach so Kix pushed his hands aside to palpitate his abdomen, looking for bruising or signs of internal bleeding.

Rex moaned and tried to curl inward again and Kix shook his head.

“Alright look, I’m about to call Stitches and have him bring me a gurney so I can take you back to the medbay and finish my examination there. Including needles and scanners and very curious vode with nothing better to do but gossip,” he paused for effect. “Or you could tell me why the Kriff you look like you took an anti aircraft blast to the face.”

The threat did the trick and Rex made a visible effort to focus.

“Maybe I have that virus going around Black Company.”

Kix shook his head. “No, try again.”

Rex turned to him, a peevish frown on his face. Kix was sure it was meant to be intimidating, but with the Captain shaking and sweating below him, it fell short of the mark.

“How do you know?”

“You’re not covered in purple spots for one thing.” Kix barely held back from rolling his eyes.

“I don’t know then Kix.” Rex whined. Honest to god _whined._ He turned his face and pressed it into the pillow, curling up as best he could with Kix still in the way.

Kix did roll his eyes that time. “Alright, well I don’t think you’re dying. But I’d still like to take you to the medbay for some testing.”

Rex shook his head. “C’mon Kix. Is that necessary? I’ve been through worse.”

“I know you have. But this isn’t flash training and you’re not six anymore. And I’m not going to be the one to explain to Skywalker why his Captain keeled over from an unknown illness while he was off gallivanting with his Padawan.”

Rex just continued to shake his head.

“No, just leave me alone.” He fumbled, trying to push at Kix’s hands.

“Captain! This is ridiculous, you’ve sweat through the sheets, you're nauseous Just-”

“I said _stop touching me!”_ With a shout Rex shoved Kix hard and he went sprawling to the floor. The medic stared up at him wide eyed and Rex bent over his stomach, moaning. “Shit. Fuck vod why won’t you just…” he curled forward, arms wrapped around his head and Kix felt his heart rate speed up. He’d been wrong to dismiss this so quickly.

“Rex?”

“Can’t you _feel_ that?” Rex hissed, agitated and rocking slightly and dragging his nails over every inch of exposed skin. “It’s some kind of bio weapon. I heard them talking about it. They put it everywhere. Kix why won’t you _listen_?” Rex’s whole face had gone red and tears gathered in his eyes and he appeared to be looking just off to the side of Kix, like he couldn’t quite track him.

“Shit.” He said, standing up again, he moved back toward Rex, but the Captain reared back and then took a couple swings at him so Kix had to dodge to keep from being laid out again. With a lunge, he tackled Rex to the bed, grabbing his hands and pinning his arms to his sides. Rex bucked and swore.

“Get off, get off of me. You’re not gonna take it. You hear me? Ne’duumir te'habi ner tome'tayl.”

_I won’t let you take my memories from me._

Kix froze and Rex thrashed.

He tried a few more times to get him talking, but it wasn’t working. Rex had stopped responding entirely, instead swearing colorfully at images Kix couldn’t see. He wished desperately Jesse were still on board the ship. Or even Fives. Then at least he would have the hope of someone coming into the room at some point to help. As it was Kix was using both hands to hold the increasingly more agitated Captain still and Kix wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it up.

Biting his lip, he rolled, using his body weight to keep Rex immobilized, got headhunted for his trouble, but he managed to maneuver himself into a straddling position, pinning Rex's arms with his knees and grabbed at his Comm.

_“Cody here.”_

“I need you in the ARC barracks on C Deck right now. It’s Rex.”

Kix hoped he was coming across his the Commander’s helmet comm and not an open channel.

_“I’m on my way.”_

* * *

“He’s not unconscious. Just sleeping.”

Cody startled slightly and looked up. Kix stood at the end of Rex’s bed in a far flung corner of the medbay. They’d made a big enough scene just getting Rex there that Cody hadn’t even needed to ask Kix to try and preserve what little privacy was left remaining. Only Kix and Cody had been allowed to see Rex since he was admitted and the curtain around his bed had remained closed.

Cody nodded and rand a hand roughly over his head. He turned back to look at Rex. His color was even worse here in the brightly lit medbay. His eyes sunken and cheeks gaunt. His little brother, formidable soldier and Captain, didn’t look strong enough to walk across the room, let alone lead an entire battalion.

Yet Cody knew if the alarm went up right that moment Rex would be out of bed and kitted up in under a minute, ready to man the front lines with the rest of them.

And for some reason that made Cody feel enormously guilty.

“Did you figure out what’s wrong with him?”

Cody heard the Medic move and turned to see he’d sunk down into the chair beside him, looking past him at Rex, frowning.

“Yeah. He was in withdrawal.” Kix’s eyes flicked toward Cody. “From the alcohol.”

“Withdrawal.” Cody whispered, turning back to look at Rex’s prone form. “Rex didn’t quit drinking. At least…I didn’t know he did.”

It had taken countless arguments and never-ending bargaining to get Rex to quit the last time, if he’d actually quit at all. It seemed unlikely Rex wouldn’t have told him if he was making another go at it. Especially since he’d seemed more than happy to spend the rest of his short life in a depressed, half buzzed stupor the last time Cody had spoken to him.

“Well apparently he did. His stats were way off. But the di’kut apparently decided to quit all at once. That’s what caused the hallucinations and confusion.” Kix leaned his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face. “He’s been practically subsisting on the stuff for…well a long time anyway. Don’t know why he thought it was a good idea to stop cold. Alone in a room where no one would find him, no less.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Kix was tired from the ordeal that afternoon, so it took a minute for him to realize the silence was laced with a heaviness he couldn’t place. And Cody wasn't sitting still so much as he was frozen, staring blankly past Rex at the curtain on the other side of the bed. Slowly, his chair creaked and Kix met the Commander’s wide, brown eyes.

“What?” Kix frowned.

Kix’s words were like a bucket of cold water over Cody’s head.

“He didn’t quit drinking.” He licked his lips, guilt clawing up his throat. He clenched his hands. “ _I_ got rid of his stash. I searched our room a few nights ago. Got rid of all of it. And the boys are between batches. He couldn’t have gotten more.” Slowly, Cody turned back to look at Rex, but bowed his head instead and stared at the floor. “I did this.”

Kix swallowed, unsure of what to do. The hunch to Cody’s shoulders made sense now.

“Commander…you didn’t know.” The words were hollow and Cody didn’t respond. Hurting a vod, even unintentionally, was not something easy to bounce back from. And not many troopers were as close as Cody and Rex. Kix thought about reaching out to comfort him, but decided against it and folded his hands in his lap.

“Cody, he’s fine. We found him in time. Anyway, maybe this whole thing will do him some good. He’s dried out now. Maybe he’ll think twice about drinking again after this.” Kix paused, but Cody didn’t move. “Look. There’s huge gaps in our knowledge about taking care of ourselves, anything the Kaminoans didn’t think was ‘useful’ for a soldier. You didn’t know. Hell, I didn’t know. But we know now. And I’ll write up a brief, I’ll make sure every Officer in the GAR knows what to look for. Alright? No harm done.”

Cody finally turned back to look at him.

“No harm? Kix look at him!”

“He’s right.”

The rasping voice from the bed made both men turn. Rex’s eyes were still closed but his face scrunched up in annoyance. His leaden arms took a couple tries to get them to cooperate and he slowly reached up to scrub at his eyes.

When he opened them Kix had moved to the other side of the bed, checking his vitals readouts and Cody was standing, looking down at him.

Rex reached out a hand and Cody’s met it, clasping tight.

“Hey vod’ika. How’re you feeling?”

Rex shook his head. “Kix is right. My fault. Not yours.” His mouth was so dry it was painful to make words pass through it. A second later Kix had a straw and a cup of water at his lips. Rex sipped greedily for a few seconds, but his nausea reared up quickly and he turned away.

Cody was still staring at him, squeezing his hand and biting his lip.

“Still…if I hadn’t…”

“Something worse could have happened. Down the line.” Rex dropped his head back and closed his eyes. He’d been an idiot. He knew he had. He’d spent so long compensating for his habit that he’d started to believe it wasn’t having an effect at all. But that wasn’t true. He’d started to forget things. Whole section of days, blank in his memory. And it was getting worse. It was Force damned luck that had kept him from getting his men killed so far.

And if Rex knew one thing it was that the Force had no time for clones.

Rex opened his eyes and looked up at his brother, squeezing his hand once to make sure he had his attention.

“Thank you.”

Cody blinked, his face flashing through guilt, relief and gratitude before sliding into a small smile even Rex was rarely privileged to see.

“You ever scare me like that again and I’ll kill you.”

Rex rolled his eyes in spite of his headache.

“You know that would mean you’d have to deal with Skywalker yourself?” He mumbled, feeling sleep tugging at his brain and frowned when Cody pushed him to lay down more fully.

“I’d manage.”

Rex let his eyes fall shut, listening to Cody as he fussed with the blanket and bickered with Kix over how much longer he be allowed to sleep.

He was still floating near consciousness when the chair beside the bed creaked and warmth wrapped around his hand again.

“There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you, di’kut.” He heard, fondness unmistakable in the whispered words.

Rex wasn’t close enough to awake to form a response in return, but he gathered all his concentration and squeezed his hand.

He hoped Cody would know what he meant.

* * *

Cody found Rex on the observation deck. Outside the floor length transparisteel windows the _Negotiator_ loomed a few hundred meters away. They had half a cycle together, restocking Skywalker’s flagship and getting the personnel transfers finalized before they would set off to opposite sides of the galaxy for their respective missions.

It was mealtime. But even if it wasn’t this room would have been deserted anyway, it was only really used for diplomatic functions and the occasional speech Skywalker hadn’t been called upon to preform since the disaster at the beginning of the war.

The video was still a popular morale booster on sliced data pads.

Cody shifted his holoprojector to his other hand and rounded the half wall that separated the entrance of the large, wide room from the actual staged seating area. Rex sat somewhere in the middle, halfway between the levels and looking small and lonely due to the scale of the room.

He caught sight of the object on the bench beside him before Rex noticed he was there and stopped short.

The canteen was closed, and Cody didn’t see any other cups or flasks, but the red cap was unmistakable.

Disbelief, rage, worry, shock, defiance and resignation slammed into him and if he hadn’t already stopped moving, he might have stumbled.

He must have made a noise because Rex turned to look at him. A look flashed through his eyes and then, without a pause, he reached over, picked up the canteen and threw it to his brother.

Instinctively, Cody reached out and caught it with his off hand, surprised at its weight.

“It’s full.” He observed, still not moving forward.

Rex nodded. He leaned forward and clasped his hands.

“The last of what I had in my room.”

“Why give it to me?”

Rex shrugged one shoulder, looking up with a small, self deprecating smile. “Safe keeping?”

Cody blinked for a silent handful of seconds before huffing a small laugh, breathing out all his conflicting emotions in one long breath.

“This mean you’re done?”

Rex turned to look back out the windows toward Cody’s ship.

“I’m done.” He nodded. “Fives said just because CT has Dogma’s body that doesn’t make him any less gone. And he was right.” He swallowed, casting his eyes to the floor. “CT is happy. If the galaxy has seen fit to let him have something good, no matter how small…I won’t be the one to take it from him.”

Rex paused long enough Cody thought he was done and he moved to the stairs, climbing to the middle of the long bench seating and dropping down beside his brother.

“Anyway,” Rex said quietly, looking down at his hands. “If Tup can move on…so can I.”

The silence of the room slid in behind Rex’s words, wrapping around them both and tightening Cody’s throat. He was suddenly grateful for Rex’s uncanny talent of finding moments of privacy on a ship that housed ten thousand men. He reached up and hooked his hand at the back of his brother’s neck, turning and pulling him so their foreheads thumped together.

“I’m… _so_ proud of you, Rex.” He managed after a moment. Rex relaxed into him and reached up, wrapping his arms around Cody’s shoulders and Cody returned the hug instantly.

They stayed like that, silent, each holding the other like they thought they might fly away, until their breathing evened out and they could let go and pretend it had been that way all along.

Rex sat back, wiping his face surreptitiously and smiled, all ease and bravado.

“So, What’d you bring me?”

Cody looked down at the holoprojector and slid back a bit on the bench to place it between them.

“Cubikahd.” He activated the device and a large yellow cube illuminated between them. “I thought you might be looking for a way to fill some time. With this and some practice, maybe you’ll stand a chance at beating me.”

Rex rolled his eyes and Cody grinned.

“Just set the board and we’ll see how much practice I need.”

Cody did.

They played for three hours straight before comms went off, calling each to their respective stations.

It was time to go.

Cody walked Rex to the door and out into the corridor where they would have to part ways.

“Rex,” Cody gave him the projector and then laid a hand on his shoulder, tilting his head to search his brother’s face intently. He was satisfied to see the redness had faded and the golden brown irises were clear. “You gonna be okay?”

Rex smiled.

“Yeah, ori’vod. I’m gonna be just fine.”

Not today. And maybe not soon. But there was confidence in his tone, belief and determination and hope there that hadn’t been present for a long time.

The knot in Cody’s stomach unfurled.

He squeezed his shoulder once and nodded, turning to walk down the corridor toward his transport back to the _Negotiator_ , Rex’s boots echoed off the walls in the opposite direction.

It wasn’t perfect. It might not be the last time Cody’s brother scared the life out of him.

But it was something he could hold onto.

And he could forgive the rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and reviewing!! Please let me know what you thought!

**Author's Note:**

> I need a WIP like I need a hole in the head. Please review if you enjoyed! Happy reading!


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